No more $15,000 fan-art oil paintings.
No teaser interviews and red carpet photos and viral videos.
This isTheEmpire Strikes Backof theThrones-verseexcept on this show, the Empirealwaysseems like it’s striking back.
Credit: Helen Sloan/HBO
We start in darkness.
Sam finds one of his dead brothers holding his own severed head.
Ah, it’s good to be backwe’re only seconds into theThronespremiere and already we have a decapitation.
You wonder what happened herewas his head placed in his hands?
Did it just fall there?
And does the guy look like Jesus on purpose?
No time to wonderthere’s zombie coming with an ax.
Sam is rescued by Ghost.
Jon Snow’s direwolf starts chewing on the undead, who then bursts into flames.
Ghost, you could breathe fire now!
Oh, wait, no.
The fire was from Sam’s surviving Night’s Watch brothers, who also just arrived.
The Lord Commander gives Sam crap about not sending the ravens to alert Castle Black of the attack.
That was his job, his only job!
Credits:New stuff: Winterfell is smoking since it burned down in last year’s finale.
There’s a new city: Astapor, where Dany is headed this season.
It has these little rowing tracks.
Perhaps Astapor is big on Pilates?
Snow sees an army camp and agiant … a giant giant.
Big enough so you think “Giant!”
but not so big you think “CGI!”
or worse, “Jack the Giant Slayer.
“First time you’ve seen a giant Jon Snow?”
Wow, hate to see them when they’re horny.
NEXT: Pay no attention to what’s behind the curtain!
But we don’t believe her threat, she’s throwing way too many IOIs his way.
In Mance’s tent, Jon assumes a Wildling named Giantsbane is Mance.
C’mon Jon, like any army would follow a ginger-head!
The real Mance is played by Cirian Hinds (yes, Caesar fromRome).
Notice howThronesis leaning on European history here.
“The girl likes yah, you like her back?”
asks Mance and then asks why Jon wants to defect to join the Wildings.
That answer gets him acceptedfor now.
Well, you’re in luck sort of!
First we get a quick establishing shot of peasant kids happily frolicking in Blackwater Bay.
Must be awkward when somebody’s dad washes up on the shore while playing Marco Polo.
Now we’re inside the brothel.
She’s wearing this odd little cooter curtain and orders him to pull it aside with his mouth.
In his chambers, Tyrion is examining his scar from last season’s battle.
Cersei is at his door.
“It’s your sister,” she says, then adds unnecessarily, “the queen.”
Oh, she’s a proud one.
More accurately: If she wanted to kill her brother, she would not be there.
Cersei likes to have underlings do her handiwork.
and she tells him, “You’re a clever man.
But you’re not half as clever as you think you are.”
To which Tyrion zings back: “It still makes me more clever than you.”
Their banter sounds smart.
But when you think about it, these two are practically regressing.
They’re like two young siblings going, “I’m not stupider!
You’re stupider!”
“It’s not slander if it’s true,” Tyrion says, pulling out defamation-law on her.
It becomes self-fulfilling to a certain extent.”
Tyrion takes a walk with his bodyguard Bronn, who wants more money.
The castle ramparts are being repaired from last season’s battle.
“I’m a sell sword,” Bronn says.
“I sell my sword.
I don’t loan it out to friends as a favor.”
Island:Davos survived the Blackwater battle and is wasting away on a tiny island.
He looks halfway to zombie-dom.
Davos vows to kill Melisandre, which sounds to us like a real long shot.
Harrenhal:Robb Stark and his mom/prisoner Catelyn arrive at Harrenhal.
At Harrenhal they find 200 dead Northerners.
and makes re-capturing Jaime all the more urgent.
They find a survivor named Qyburn.
Despite this ultra-brief introduction, we’ll be seeing more of Qyburn later in the season.
We probably shouldn’t read too much into this title.
King’s Landing:Thronesexcels at two-actors-in-a-room match-ups.
Everything about this next scene is awesome.
“Almost as good as it looked on me.”
Tyrion whines about how his father never visited him while he was recovering his battle.
Tyrion starts rattling off his accomplishments last season, growing uncharacteristically defensive.
He is so desperate for his father’s love.
And everything he says sounds reasonable and accurate to us.
But then Tywin fires back this: “Jugglers and singers require applause.
You are a Lannister.”
Cersei might have been rightTyrion is not half as clever as he thinks.
What Tywin says next, while he rejects Tyrion’s claim, is totally brutal.
Tywin’s speech is full of contempt.
It’s a small measure of defiance, but it’s all Tyrion can get away with.
Outside: Here’s Sansa Stark.
She’s hanging out with Tyrion’s secret lover Shae, who serves as Sansa’s handmaiden.
Pragmatic Shae genuinely likes Sansa, yet isn’t a fan of inventing stories.
“Why should I make up a story when i know the truth?”
Why I love this line: It’s initially quite funny.
It shows character growthhow cynical Sansa has become after the horrifying events of the last two seasons.
Yet it also sticks with you because it’s profound (though, sure, totally pessimistic).
Then perv Littlefinger comes over to perv on her.
Littlefinger’s helper Ros gets a moment with Shae.
Ros is able to recognize Shae as a fellow girl-for-hire via some secret whore handshake or something.
Sea:Okay,Thrones, the season 3 poster promised us a flying dragon.
So let’s have it:Where are our dragons!?
Ah, there they are.
NEXT: Dragon teppanyaki
Dany is on a ship on the way to Astapor.
Her dragons are bigger this year.
And kind of spiky.
One of her kids goes fishing and charbroils the fish in midair.
Do her dragons bring any seafood back for her to eat, I wonder?
Can she make specific requests, like, “ahi, medium rare”?
Dany has a new blue dress this season, which brings out her eyes.
But don’t you worry, Dany’s story is great in season 3.
Dragonstone:Lot of water shots in this episode, huh?
Davos chats with Stannis, who wants to speak with his king alone.
But Melisandre can tell when her lover’s best friend just wants to trash her and sticks around.
Davos draws his dagger.
Melisandre says she likes Davos but he’s chosen darkness; Davos is arrested.
King’s Landing:Joffrey is traveling through the slums in his posh litter crib.
This was he can navigate the crowded streets of unkempt humanity in peace and comfort.
I wonder if it’s possible to rent one of these for covering Comic-Con.
He spies his bride-to-be Margaery Tyrell getting out of her litter and happily stepping around thugs and poop.
He’s bewilderedNever leave the litter!
The princess stages an impromptu Oprah-like town hall with the grubby orphans.
She gives out some toy soldiers (“You get a toy!
And you get a toy!
And you get a toy!")
and says their fallen dads are heroes.
Clearly, she’s just the sort of sensitive Good Cop that Joffrey’s reign of terror needs.
Later, a fun scene at dinner.
The king was late because he attended a small council meeting.
“At what point does it become treason to waste the king’s time?”
he asks and we suspect:Not very long.
Margaery wisely plays along and pretends not to notice her insult.
Joffrey, however, is utterly oblivious to the subtext and offers her a shawl.
Margaery’s volunteerism has Cersei fuming.
I particularly love the way Jofrrey struggles to express what Margaery was doing earlier.
We get to see what he’s really saying via subtitles.
His army is called The Unsullied.
Their brutal training is like that of Spartan warriors or Apple factory workers, except even more barbaric.
They’re all castrated.
“They fear nothing,” Dany is told.
“Death means nothing to them.”
“This one is pleased to have served you,” replies the nip-snipped soldier.
Walking back to her ship, Dany is fuming.
She hates the idea of buying slaves.
She was sold to the Dothraki and knows how slavery feels.
Here I’ll translate that one for Dany: “Quit being so damn picky.”
Also now wondering: Does Ser Jorah really smell like urine, or was that just an insult?
Inside isyah, evil scorpion thing!
She’s rescued by this assassination attempt by a hooded figure.
The girl shows us her grumpy yuck mouthshe’s a warlock.
Apparently those guys are still annoyed at Dany after last season.
Who’s this Obi-Wan anyway?
Ah, Ser Barristan Selmy!
And now
What the…that’s it?!
Where’s Jaime and Brienne?
Where’s Hot Pie?
Is he hungry for pies?
And was he really named Hot Pie or is that a nickname?
Yes, the premiere is over and The Show That Mounted the World still has more story to start.
But EW has plenty more Thrones content for you to read.
There’s a super brief chat with the producers about tonight’s giant surprisethat’s a pun!
And there’s ourpremiere rating predictionpost ofThronesvs.The Walking Deadvs.The Bible.
BEST SCENE:Tyrion vs. Tywin.
This way is better.)
[Box set giveaway fulfilled!
Code phrase hint was hidden in middle of recap.
I am sorry if you didn’t win; wish I had more]
SPOILER ALERT!
17 DAYS OF THRONES
17.
Jon + Dany, an ice and fire pairing
