Welcome to doubleBachelorweek, rose lovers!
Its the time in the season that all recappers (and probably some viewers) dread.
We made it through the first two hours, which saw our Bachelor bring his harem to Malta.
Autumn has a question.ABC
Yes, it is, Autumn.
Tonights cold open features this tantalizing glimpse of two-on-one awkwardness.
More on that later.
Jesse Palmer is the bearer of good news on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Joey is waiting for you in Malta.
Stop screaming and start packing.
As easygoing as he is, even Joey cant abide by this terrible wordplay.
Joey gives the producers' awful pun two thumbs down.ABC
Lexi, youre up!
Joey meets her in Valletta, the capital of Malta.
Today just feels like Im walking around Malta with my girlfriend, says Joey.
Joey and Lexi visit a historic church on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
And thats exactly what I want it to feel like.
You know whos not feeling so good?
Im exhausted, Im lethargic, Im breaking out.
Maria faces the reality of a two-on-one.ABC
Girl, thats called jet lag.
Amen to that, Father.
And thats exactly what shell Open UpTM about at dinner time.
Lexi and Joey smooch on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Over at the InterContinental, theres an Accent Table of Doom at the door.
You guessed it, Maria.
That means you and Sydney have a dreaded two-on-one date in your future.
Are we not entertained?.ABC
This is torture, groans Sydney, as the other women avoid eye contact with her.
(Pssst, sweetie!
I think you mean that youve figuratively been put through the wringer.
Kelsey A. plants one on Joey.ABC
Unless I missed someone actually cranking your body throughone of these.)
At dinner, Lexi fills Joey in on some key milestones from her past.
She moved to San Francisco after college and focused on her career.
Autumn sinks her teeth into victory.ABC
This was devastating to her.
I want a family of my own so badly, Lexi says, crying.
Damn, thats cold.
Peep Joey in his specs!.ABC
That doesnt scare me in any sense, says Joey.
HELL YES, JOEY!
Anyhow, Lexi gets the date rose.
Kelsey T. for the w!.ABC
But there will be no bloodshed today just some swords-and-chain-mail cosplay.
Poor Joey, standing shirtless in front of his harem, is feeling a little self-conscious.
I think I still need to do some push-ups and sit-ups, but its okay, he jokes.
It’s a suitcase showdown!.ABC
I tried my best today.
Would someone yo tell this man he is 1-800-HOT-AS-HELL?
Autumn, who is now on her third group date, does NOT love it.
Sydney, Joey, and Maria on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
It is just a little bit awkward.
Buck up, Autumn!
Maybe youll have better luck with the Sausage Wheel challenge.
Three’s a crowd on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
And yes, its pretty much exactly what it sounds like.
Its not dry sausages.
Its juicy sausages smacking your face right now, says Jenn with a shudder.
Just a girl and her rose.ABC
These producers are going to hell.
But congrats, Autumn!
(I hope they let her rinse with Listerine before smooching Joey.)
If looks could kill…ABC
There are no cured meats at the after party, which is a blessing.
Joey sits down with Daisy first, and they immediately start talking babies.
Side note: Joey says hes blind as a bat!"
Peep Joey’s feet!.ABC
But he looks very cute in his glasses, of course.
Kelsey T. ultimately does get her time (and her smooch) with Joey.
Theres just something there, gushes the Bachelor.
Honestly, it was more like a trust tip.ABC
Sir, I love you, but youve now said that about six or seven women.
Im like, Can we not make this a trend?
And the date rose goes to…
Lea has thoughts.ABC
Okay, get it, Kelsey T.!
Shes level-headed, gorgeous, and never involved in the drama.
Good choice, Joey.
Lea’s “morals and values” in action.ABC
A new day dawns, and the two-on-one game is afoot.
Sydney says her plan is to get this girl out of here.
At the hotel, some of the women are choosing their sides.
Allison is team Maria; Lea and Jess are team Sydney; Lexi is Switzerland.
As for Joey, all he wants to do is figure out the truth.
Is Maria a bully, or is Sydney just a shit-stirrer?
You and I know the answer, rose lovers, but our man must discover the truth for himself.
Off to theBlue Grotto!
On the boat, Maria keeps giggling nervously, while Sydney pouts.
Now Im depressed!)
Once they get back on dry land, Joey pulls Sydney for a chat first.
This has been really tough for me, she sniffles.
When you left the pool party, Hell broke loose.
Maria started attacking me in front of the group.
(She didnt.)
She told Lea to shut the f— up.
(Aaaand… producers chose not to show it?
(It hasnt.)
Poor Joey hears her out, and hes clearly uncomfortable.
Im trying to see to it I hear both sides, he tells Sydney.
The part that is just so difficult for me is that [those sides] are just so different.
He ends their chat with a hug, and then goes to fetch Maria for their sit-down.
First question:Did you tell Lea to “shut the f— up?
‘“Maria is aghast.
I would never say that.
Joey seems to believe her.
Truthfully, I dont know, he admits.
I want to try.
She does NOT love it.
Now its time for Joey to mull things over while Maria and Sydney sit in awkward, tense silence.
Oh, but Maria cannot stay quiet for long, because shes just too damn pissed.
Youve made up some BS this entire time, she says.
But I told Lea to shut the f— up?
You know were on camera the entire time, right?
Excellent point, maam.
These folks love nothing more than prolonging their contestants pain.
Get in there and end this misery, Joey!
It shows the partner that I would be for you, she says.
Still, she adds, Im hoping we can get there.
Everyone watching this, meanwhile, is hoping that we can get this torturous date over with.
Joey, just, just, just just END THIS.
And the date rose goes to…
Aw, HELL YES.
Hope not to see you inParadise.
Back at the hotel, the women watch as the Suitcase Ninja carts away Sydneys bag.
I just wasnt expecting that, says Lea through her tears.
Girl, what show have you been watching?
Our first overseas cocktail party rolls around.
The evening kicks off with Joey and Jenn dangling their feet in the pool as they chat.
I accept you for you and all of your bunions, she says, and they smooch.
The mood remains pleasant as the night goes on.
I thought this would segue into something I want to share, says Madina.
If Im being all the way honest, I dont know that Ive been the most vulnerable with you.
The whole experience shattered her trust in the concept of love, Madina admits.
The Bachelor appreciates her willingness to Open UpTM, and they end their conversation with a trust fall.
Madina feels great after her time with Joey.
Lea, for some reason, is very annoyed that everyone seems to be in such a good mood.
Right now, no one cares that Sydney went home, she complains.
Theyre all, like, being nice to Maria.
That sounds like something a petulant 5th grader would say.
Lea is 23 whole years old, but I guess she never evolved out of a middle-school-mean-girl mentality.
Rather than just stew silently, Lea decides to confront Madina for not being more upset about Sydneys departure.
Your narrative changes a bit.
You kind of
Madina cuts her off.
I dont have to be mean to Maria because Sydney was my friend, she points out.
Lea is all,Thats not what Im saying, though it clearly was.
Madina, bless her, is having none of it.
You dont have to understand how Im navigating this journey, she shoots back.
SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!
But she presses forward, trying to make Madina feel bad for not ostracizing Maria on Sydneys behalf.
I hold myself, my friends, my close circle to a different standard, she says.
I have a different set of morals and values.
However, we do hear her use the non-word perspectivize.
(I mean, fair.)
Why am I so hated here?
I cant win with these women, Maria continues in her confessional.
When Im quiet, they dont like me.
When I talk, they dont like me.
Back in the holding pen, she cant contain her emotions, and she leaves the room in tears.
Honestly, Im glad that thats the case, sneers Lea in her confessional.
Shes a drama queen cry-baby.
And thats exactly what Lea plans to tell Joey when she sits down with him at this cocktail party.
I know that youre smart, she murmurs.
It is what it is.
Let me leave you with a few questions while we wait for tomorrow nights conclusion.
Were you as surprised as I was that Lea turned out to be a mean girl?
Is it me, or do Joeys insecurities about his body make him even more lovable?
And how much money would it take for you to play the “Sausage Wheel” game?
Let me know your thoughts on Twitter@KristenGBaldwin!
The Bachelorairs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.
