ABC
This is a massive piece of property, marvels Guy, as he and Christopher stroll the grounds.
Youve got a little putting green over here, and a beautiful pergola.
Once the guys get into the bedrooms, however, their enthusiasm wanes a bit.
The men raise a toast on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’.ABC
This is special, notes Bob, checking out a bedroom crammed with four bunk beds.
Immediately, the negotiations over who will have to take the top bunks begins.
Gary says he just cant do a top bunk my knees!
Pascal frets over closet space on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’.ABC
while Guy warns that he sometimes gets up five times a night (!)
the Internets senior boyfriend listens to all this age-related complaining with a bit of bemusement.
Looks like age-wise, probably Im the oldest one, he says.
Joan invites the men to prom on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’.ABC
But health-wise, seems like Im the most fit person.
So, I volunteered to sleep on the top bunk.
Uh-oh, do you hear that, rose lovers?
Joan and her prom dates on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’.ABC
Sounds like theres some commotion over by the hall closet.
Pascal, you see, needs more space.
A lot more space.
Joan and Jonathan on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’.ABC
How am I going to fit my clothes in here?
And things are about to get worse for our Frenchman, who hasnt done his own laundry in decades.
Who can help me do my laundry?
Charles L. sits by himself at prom on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’.ABC
I have no idea how to do it, he frets to Charles K., Gregg, and Dan.
Ill pay you $100 a load!
Greggs all, Sold!
Jonathan is crowned prom king on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’.ABC
At least Gregg wont have to wash and fold any of Pascals pajamas.
Of course he does.
On the docket: Two group dates, and one magical one-on-one date.
Joan and Chock pose with Minnie and Mickey Mouse on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’.ABC
Palmer explains it all again, and this time, the men understand.
Time for the first date card!
Oh, and its a good one, rose lovers.
Chock, Joan, and R2-D2 on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’.ABC
And with that, its off to the Golden Prom.
But first, a dance-off, facilitated by none other than Taylor Tell It to My Heart Dayne!
Honestly, I think the entire dance-off can be summed up in one simple GIF:
Incredible.
Joan and Chock on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’.ABC
Not all the memories are happy ones, however.
She said yes, but a week before the dance, she backed out.
That completely destroyed my ego, Jonathan confesses to Joan.
Chock and Joan watch fireworks on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’.ABC
It was her loss, sir!
Im sorry you had to go through that, and carried it for so long, she says.
Thank you for sharing that.
Kim tinkers with the garbage disposal on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’.ABC
Now that hes gotten a chance to go to this TV prom, Jonathan says his heart is healed.
Are you crying yet, rose lovers?
You know I am.
Group date No. 2 on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’.ABC
As the night goes on, Joan gets to know the other men a little better.
Come ON, that is adorable!
And the amazing revelations keep on coming for Joan.
Jack performs on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’.ABC
Incoming heartbreak alert:
Why isnt anybody dancing with Charles L.???
Prom is a little bit new to me, he says.
Is this show trying to kill me?
Joan kisses Kim on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’.ABC
SOMEONE HUG CHARLES L. RIGHT NOW, DAMMIT!
Fortunately for my tear ducts, Joan pulls Charles L. for a chat.
Since the passing of my wife, I was very sad, he says.
Dan dances with ribbons on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’.ABC
But one or two years ago, my daughters tried to talk me out.
you might be sad, but not sad for the rest of your life.
And just like Jonathan, Charles L. is feeling the healing power of prom.
Joan and Dan slow dance on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’.ABC
Today is the happiest day with me since my wife passed away, he tells Joan.
Now go hit that dance floor, Charles L.!
No, we are NOT going to talk about Charles' phone conversation with his daughter.
Joan meets the guys for a cookout on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’.ABC
I’ve already cried enough tonight!
At last, its time for Joan to choose her Prom King.
And the winner is…
Joan and Gary’s prom photo on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’.ABC
The way all the men cheered genuinely!
for Jonathan when she called his name…
I just feel special in his arms, says Joan.
Joan and Kim on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’.ABC
Hes a good man.
Somebody I could possibly picture a future with.
The next morning, the guys are waking up slowly.
Mark has a question for Joan on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’.ABC
Apparently, Im a snorer, Gregg says good-naturedly.
But it was very startling to a naked Frenchman punching me.
On the other hand, I cant say that thats the first time thats ever happened.
Joan prepares to hand out roses on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’.ABC
Thats right, rose lovers.
Its the Happiest Place on EarthTM.
Weve got so much in common.
Jack and Christopher belt out a tune on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’.ABC
Weve got the same values, the same morals, says Chock.
I like her, and I want to get to know Joan better.
Additional IP synergy alert!
I feel great about today, says Joan.
Youre pretty darn fun.
Awwww, Im kind of shipping these two.
How about you, rose lovers?
(Translation: Theprivate dining club that costs $18,000 a mealfor up to 12 people.)
Over dinner, Chock tells Joan all about his first marriage, which lasted 12 years.
We just werent really a fit, he explains.
Three years after that marriage ended, Chock met Kathy.
We were together for nine years, and we were engaged, he continues.
Long, sad story short: Kathy was diagnosed withGlioblastoma.
Five months and four days later, Kathy passed away.
It was the only time I really showed vulnerability or broke down, says Chock.
Prior to her death, Kathy urged Chock to go on with his life after she was gone.
John got sick, and he just got sicker and sicker, she recalls.
I would not cry in front of him.
I would go in my closet and cry.
Time for a cry break.
Back in a second, rose lovers….
Okay, Im good.
Chock wants Joan to know that she reminds him of Kathy, and of course she LOVES it.
I dont necessarily believe in fate, but sometimes it surprises me, she admits.
You know what happens next, folks:
A date rose and a Disneyland fireworks extravaganza.
We interrupt this recap with some breaking news: The garbage disposal at the Bachelor mansion is broken!
But fear not: Kim, the retired Navy officer, is already on it.
Besides, it gives you something to do.
Put down the Allen wrench, Kim!
Get your butts to the High Street Arts Center ASAP!
Similarly, the winning act tonight will also share a meal with Joan.
Who will impress her (as well as guest judge Loni Love)?
Its going to be close.
Gregg kicks things off with a stand-up routine: I am the captain of Team USA…
Unfortunately, USA stands for Untreated Sleep Apnea.
Charles K., meanwhile, breaks a board and possibly some of Greggs ribs.
Christopher shows off his yo-yo skills, Gil juggles, and Michael recites an original poem.
From there, says Gregg, it got stupider and stupider, in the best way possible.
I dont think it was funny, he sniffs.
Oh boy, can anyone beat that?
His talent is ribbon dancing and Dan chose it for a reason.
Ive got a little bit of a tremor, he explains to the crowd.
So, when I looked at these, I thought, This is perfect for my shaky hands!
Joan thinks so, too, and she crowns Dan the winner.
The other men are disappointed Kim especially.
Im feeling sad, he admits.
Buck up, sailor!
You did a great job.
And hey, at least you get to go home to a working garbage disposal.
The doctor even told him he only had six months to live!
Today, his diabetes is under control, and hes in good health.
Everything is more meaningful to me and deeper, says Dan.
Also, I find things a lot funnier too, because life really is funny.
To no ones surprise, Joan gives Dan the date rose.
After that, they share a smooch and a slow dance.
Ugh, I wish every single guy could win.
Its rose ceremony day!
But instead of a formal cocktail party, the guys are doing a casual cookout at the mansion.
I am really excited about having a barbecue with you guys.
After downing a hot dog, Joan chats with Jordan about his family and missing his daughters.
Jacks up next, and hes so flustered by Joan he forgets how many kids he has.
(Two, and three grandchildren.)
Meanwhile, Pascal shows Joan around the guys living quarters, including the (too small) closet.
Ok, ABC, yo greenlight that reality show now: Grandpa Gary: Little League Coach Extraordinaire.
Joan then wows him with a framed copy of their wonderful prom photo.
Gary is moved to tears.
It does mean a lot to me.
That doesnt keep us from having the capacity in our hearts for more love.
A wreck, I tell ya!
This show is going to kill me.
At long last, we come to the moment that opened the show.
and Will you share a bratwurst with me.
But its all leading up to this:
The Golden Bachelorette LOVES it.
Yeah, you’re free to, she coos.
You could have said it in English, too.
Rose ceremony roll call!
Alas, that means we must say goodbye to Bob, Michael, Christopher, and Cannonball Jack.
Youre so much darn fun, Joan tells Jack as she hugs him goodbye.
The guys are going to miss you as much as me.
So will the audience.
Naturally, the big ol goofball goes out singing My Way with Christopher accompanying him.
Well, that was refreshing, rose lovers.
Before you go, a few questions: Who are you rooting for most?
Any favorites for the next Golden Bachelor?
And are you sorry to see Jack go?
The Golden Bacheloretteairs Wednesdays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.
