With their heartwarming reunion, the women of The Golden Bachelor showed the kids how it’s done.
After a brief tease of the painful rose ceremony conclusion, hostJesse Palmergreets us in the Tealight Candle Thunderdome.
“Welcome to the first-everThe Golden Bachelor: The Women Tell All!”
The ladies assemble for ‘The Golden Bachelor: The Women Tell All’.ABC
And now, at long last, we have a stage full of glamorous grandmas ready to tell all.
Look at these queens!
As always, LOVE the bold colors, ladies.
Kathy can’t watch.ABC
“It works every time!”
The trip down memory lane begins with night one.
“I probably would have said eight inches instead of six.”
Kris Jenner crashes ‘The Golden Bachelor’.ABC
But Nancy says her kids now see her as more than mom.
“They see me as a single woman, someone who’s ready for love,” she explains.
“They just have a refreshed perspective, I think.”
Dreams do come true.ABC
From there, the conversation turns to one of the biggest controversies of the season.
April, bless her, has no regrets: “Desperate times call for desperate measures!”
Still, there are no hard feelings because this is the chillestWTAever.
Looking good, Ellen!.ABC
Kathy can’t even bear to watch the playback ofher “zip it!”
“People who know me know I’m a straight shooter,” says Kathy.
“And the biggest heart in the world!”
Me too, Jesse.ABC
“Watching the show back, could I have been a little more delicate?
Yes, absolutely,” admits Kathy.
“Maybe we both should have zipped it…
Ellen hugs Roberta’s daughter Courtney.ABC
I wholly wish everyone the best.
To me, this show yes, it’s about love.
But it’s also about hope, and friendship, and what life offers all of us.”
Gerry settles in for a chat.ABC
Am I seriously feeling my eyes fill with happy tears while watching aWomen Tell All?
This show truly is a miracle.
Guess what, rose lovers?
Theresa accepts Gerry’s rose.ABC
We’re about 20 minutes in and the “drama between the women” segment is already over!
BECAUSE THERE WAS BARELY ANY DRAMA!
(Also, because Theresa wasn’t there to discuss her side of #ZipItGate.
Gerry says goodbye to Faith.ABC
But I choose to believe that she and Kathy have truly put it behind them.)
Instead, we’re treated to some never-before-seen footage of Susan’s struggle with gas.
“I don’t know what I ate,” she tells Leslie.
OMG I CAN’T TAKE IT.ABC
“But what’s coming out of me is deadly.”
Normalize women farting at all ages and stages of life!
“For 66 years I’ve been eating meatballs; it don’t bother me!”
Faith and Gerry have a heart-to-heart.ABC
but it’s clear that we’ll never know which food was the real culprit.
I guess some mysteries aren’t meant to be solved, rose lovers.
Beyond GI issues, a recurring theme in tonight’s discussion is hope.
Get back up!"
Little did Susan know, one of those senior women she inspired happens to be…Kris Jenner!
Who just happens to star inThe KardashiansonHulu, which is owned by ABC’s parent company, Disney!
Palmer holds up his phone to share a video message from the kabillionaire momager.
We are obsessed with all of you but for me, Susan, you are amazing!
I love your style.
I love the hair.
You nailed it, doll!"
Awww, look at Susan!
She’s moved to tears by this message from her idol.
Place your bets now.
Ugh, her tearful goodbye with Gerry isn’t easier to watch the second time.
“I feel really bad that I did that to him.”
“I heard it in her voice,” she adds.
“I could not get on that plane fast enough.”
Still, she was devastated to leave Gerry early.
“I think we had a good chance” of working out, she adds.
Ooof, that’s heartbreaking.
Joan, I’m giving you the biggest virtual hug right now.
Also, you are gorgeous and a total catch I’m guessing you won’t be single for long.
Especially if she becomes the first-ever Golden Bachelorette.
Man, we have so many deserving candidates.
Speaking of which…
Ellen’s on the Hot SeatTM, everybody!
She tears up watching the recap of her “journey,” as do I.
“I just saw an amazing life with him.”
Oh boy, rose lovers.
As we learned on night one, Roberta passed away before the series premiered.
“She just said, ‘just, Ellen, just go.
When Ellen got back from filming the show, Roberta had slipped into a semi-coma state.
“I knew that she was suffering.
I knew that she was staying with me so we could share that,” recalls Ellen.
“I finally said to her, ‘I don’t want you to suffer anymore.
I want you to go.
We’re going to watch the show, just from different places, together.'”
Excuse me for a minute.
I need to go sob into my pillow and I think Palmer needs a cry break, too.
Ellen rushes off the stage and wraps Courtney in a hug as the audience cheers and cries.
“You are beautiful inside and out.
yo welcome the man of the (literal) hour because this show is only 60 minutes… Gerry!
The Golden Bachelor seems genuinely pleased to see all his former girlfriends.
“I miss you all, every one of you,” he says.
“Every day, I’ll have a flashback of something that happened with one of you.
It was so great.
I love ‘em all!”
The women are equally pleased to be reunited with Gerry.
We made history together!”
Hell, yeah you did!
And ABC better do it again withThe Golden Bachelorette.
(Seriously, why haven’t they announced this yet?
We all know it’s going to happen.
If it doesn’t, Bachelor Nation will riot.)
Welp, it’s finally time to learn the results of last week’s rose ceremony.
Who will get the final rose Faith or Theresa?
Let’s return to the mansion where Gerry is currently having a panic attack.
“I know what I want to do,” he whispers to Palmer.
“I just don’t want to do it.”
At long last, he returns to the Rose Room and hands the final flower to…
Theresa!
I truly could have seen it going either way.
“It’s been a joy getting to know you,” says Gerry.
“And you have a good heart.”
Faith wishes him well, and they share a hug before she climbs into the Exit SUV.
“It’s going to be a while before I figure it out if I ever figure it out.
Maybe it was just all in my own head, you know?…
Maybe it’s just not in the cards for me.”
You stop that, Faith!
You stop it right now!
You are an intelligent, vibrant, gorgeous Glamma, and don’t you forget it!
(Seriously, who are they going to choose as the first Golden Bachelorette?
There are so many good options!)
When the clip ends, everyone sits in sad silence for a minute.
Then the women rally around their friend, calling out, “We love you, Faith!”
Is there a more mom response than that, rose lovers?
Honestly, call your mom right now if you’ve got the option to.
This man is so pure.
It is BRUTAL to watch.
“I felt like that complete disconnect.
That was the most devastating thing to me,” she says.
“The way we left each other was great, and then to just have it be… Gerry assures Faith that their relationship was not, in fact, nothing.
And in those moments, I did, I genuinely loved you.
Poor Faith starts crying again.
(In case you haven’t noticed, that’s one of tonight’s recurring themes.)
“That’s so awful,” he sobs.
“I promised them that I would protect your heart, and I didn’t do that…
I am definitely a better person for meeting you.”
“It’s been quite a journey, hasn’t it?”
asks Faith through her tears.
“It’s a beautiful thing.”
They share another tearful hug as the segment ends.
My God, producers, can we get some bloopers up in here to lighten the mood?
I’m all cried out!
Ask, and we shall receive.
Featuring dirty jokes (“I haven’t seen this many wieners since college!
“), terrifying critters (was that a honest-to-goodness TARANTULA???
But nothing will top this:
The cheek lift!
The duration (a full 7 seconds)!
And the fact that she maintained unrepentant eye ping the entire time!
Sandra, you are a hero to all of us who deal with GI issues.
TheWomen Tell Allends, as it always does, with a preview of the “epic” finale.
“People my age still knock boots,” Gerry tells Palmer in the preview.
(Oh man, would producers include that in the preview if those two ended up together?
Of course, the preview also includes plenty of tears.
“I took a good person and broke their heart,” sobs Gerry.
With that, we conclude another leg of ourGolden Bachelor"journey.”
Were you surprised to see Faith go home?
Who do you want to see as the Golden Bachelorette?
And when was the last time you heard the term “knocking boots”?
Let me know your thoughts on Twitter@KristenGBaldwin.
The Golden Bachelorairs Thursdays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.
